


Getting Back

by insightful_username



Series: Living Life [3]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression sort of, Luhan Tao and Kris im pretty sure are only mentioned in a dream tho, M/M, iDK tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-11-21 07:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11352576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insightful_username/pseuds/insightful_username
Summary: Yixing's leaving the group hurt Joonmyeon greatly, causing more pain between the two of them. After finishing filing through his thoughts, Yixing finally made a return.





	Getting Back

**Author's Note:**

> i forgot to upload the story here and then my documents all deleted themselves. loved it.

The moment he’d left the auditorium, Yixing had regretted it immediately, losing the family he’d wanted to believe he had.

Despite hitting that low, he felt that he was barely halfway down, still having further to fall despite feeling so low. It was like his life was having difficulty trying to find where to go so when it didn't know where, it self destructed, sending him in a downward spiral.

He was surprised, still. He stayed in Korea despite the hate he got from rabid fans of EXO. His parents sure as hell wouldn't let him back into their homes until he found a home desirable to him. And he also didn't want to sack off all his money on hotels, even if it was the easiest option.

Yixing stayed in the dorms, isolated as it was almost always empty as the other members were often doing their schedules and such. The chilling ambience often filled the silent halls as only Yixing had stayed behind.

He thought back, realizing that instead of being unable to join his fellow group mates in concerts because of conflicting schedules, he was unable to join in anything period. He felt even more distant from the group as they were out of the house most of the time.

Shortly after his fourth all-time low of his first month out of the group, Yixing found a place, settled in a strangely suspicious looking apartment located in downtown Seoul. Aside from being in the “big city,” he believed that the place was very nice yet quaint. Ideally, he would've preferred to live in a much more minuscule city; where there less fans angrily yelling after him whenever they'd seen him in public.

Yixing felt bad for leaving his former boyfriend, especially after an emotional and slightly convoluted breakup. The wifi in his new apartment had not been set up and with a painfully slow phone with data far from unlimited, he had no distractions from the aforementioned event.

Yixing slipped a jacket on, feeling a bit trapped in his own home.

He went out, wearing a baseball cap to cover his face, though not knowing where to go. He hated how he never wanted to let anyone go, despite doing the exact thing to try and make them stay longer. It made no sense. It was overly convoluted; like a rollercoaster but with no resolution or beginning.

A familiar buzzing shook in his pocket as he reached for the phone. He, of course didn't want to crash into anyone in front of him with the brim of his cap obscuring much of his vision. He took a quick glance at his cellular device, although unable to clearly read the words, but picked up either way.

“Hello?” Yixing asked in Korean, weary of who was calling.

“Yixing, I heard you quit,” Zitao said wearily, almost as if he were trying to speak in a foreign language.

Yixing winced, not wanting to hear about his poorly made decisions upon his moving away from EXO’s dorms, “Not quite. I just need time to think and I've been feeling really bad recently. I don't know what's wrong with me, and I feel unhappy with myself and who I am. I do—”

“Calm down, I understand. I felt the same way, and despite that you have to push through that negativity,” he paused, taking in a calm breath before finishing, “The worst thing you can do is distance yourself. Surround yourself by people you like and an who like you for who you are.”

Yixing winced once more, forgetting he was in public, “Yeah, I understand. Thanks,” his voice was strained, jaw clenched as he felt guilty for feeling the way he felt.

The line fell silent as an awkward silence spread between them. Yixing stopped his walking, tears already making its way down his face. Yixing walked swiftly to the nearest restroom, hoping no one would recognize him and realize his tears.

~~

“Come on, let’s run through the song again,” Joonmyeon said, sweat running down his face.

“Joonmyeon,” Jongdae placed his hands on the leader’s shoulders. He turned the older male to face him, “You can't keep working yourself so harshly. We can't afford to lose another member.”

“I'm fine, I just want to run through it again.”

Jongdae rose an eyebrow. Joonmyeon forced a smile, stretching his arms out awkwardly. In a cold sweat, Joonmyeon looked to his fellow members as if to confirm his plans. The second oldest of the group smiled shakily as he hobbled his way to his position.

  
“Great job today,” their manager said, tossing a water bottle to Joonmyeon.

Baekhyun rolled over lazily, pressing the cold water bottle to his neck, “How’re you not dying right now?” Baekhyun asked the leader.

Joonmyeon took a sip from the bottle, smiling softly, “I am, but… I guess I'm working on it..?”

“That… that makes no sense, but…” Baekhyun trailed off.

The group fell silent. Jongin stifled a snicker before leaving the studio, nudging for Kyungsoo to follow him.

“Is… is there something that's going on and I don't know about it?” Joonmyeon asked.

“Y’see this is why I'm so worried about you. Jongin and Kyungsoo are a thing, Baekhyun and Chanyeol are a couple, and me and Xiumin are a pretty real thing.” Chen whispered to Joonmyeon. He continued, a low buzzing sound coming from his throat with raspy timbre, “Don’t hurt yourself over this, okay?”

The camel-dinosaur hybrid of a human got up, patting the older male on the shoulder as if he were a father after a deep conversation with his son. Without realizing, Jongdae had become much more mature over the years; although still enjoying pranks and such, Jongdae had learnt much more as a human overall. Joonmyeon, however, had discovered that his attachment to the past, while although not detrimental, he had spent valuable time dwelling rather than growing as a whole.

The Korean idol looked to his manager, as if he wanted to ask for permission to leave even though the rest of his group members had already left.

Joonmyeon looked over to the rest of his group members, smiling when he saw them dawdling around, almost as though they were waiting for him. Baekhyun and Chanyeol were arguing over god knows what, which was something they did previously; Minseok and Jongdae were, of course, that slight bit more civilized that the aforementioned members.

“Hey,” someone said from beside Joonmyeon, the latter humming in response, “you feeling like a seventh wheel?”

“Sehun?” Joonmyeon asked incredulously.

“Dude, I was standing right next to you, and you answered. This isn't rocket science,”

“I know, but it feels weird. Like I haven’t had a proper conversation with any of you in the longest time ever. It's… kinda weird.” Joonmyeon admitted.

The younger male clicked his tongue, “It’s alright, I miss him, and the others as well.”

Without even asking, Joonmyeon found the revelation Sehun had been hinting at quite swiftly, realizing he was talking about the Chinese members who’d gone off, “Right, you and Luhan?”

Sehun grimaced at the mention of his former significant other, nodding morosely.

“It’s fine, we just have less scandals to possibly get into,” Joonmyeon said in a saccharine tone, forcing a smile in similar light.

“I guess, but it’s kinda awkward, isn’t it?” Sehun scratched behind his ear.

“Right, seventh and eighth wheel. I forgot.”

The two smiled at each other, despite them growing out of touch; enough for their relationship to become more akin to that of colleagues than family as they’ve constantly stated they were.

  
The days got shorter as his loneliness prevailed. The dance practices got longer and ever more strenuous. Weeks after the vicious cycle of preparing for their next comeback, the long awaited event had finally come. All his— their hard work would be worth it.

“Congrats guys, rest for a bit. You guys need it,” their manager said suddenly after another strenuous practice.

Joonmyeon bent over, resting his hands on his knees as if he were about to keel over. A cold hand rested itself on Joonmyeon’s shoulder.

“Don’t push yourself so hard, we need you; you’re our leader.” The soft voice whispered, a familiar low timbre ringing in the leader’s ear.

~~

“Comeback?” Yixing muttered to himself as he settled himself on his sofa at a seeming peace in his home.

A sour taste spread through his mouth, having not realized how much he’d still missed his former group mates. A surprisingly slow, sad melody filled Yixing’s ears. Checking his calendar, Yixing deducted that it wasn’t a Christmas mini-album, but that they had actually released a slower song as their main track rather than a more pop-like, hip hop-like, or an electronic style they typically released as their main track specifically. The song seemed almost as if to hint that they’d actually disband soon. He knew they wouldn’t, but the song was so melancholic and conveyed such sadness, Yixing couldn't help but to tear up.

“EXO, let’s love,” was stated softly at the end by none other than Suho— Joonmyeon himself. His voice sounded raw with emotion, a usual sense of power gone from his soft yet firm voice. Then, it hit Yixing. Joonmyeon had hit that same low he’d struck previously.

With little hesitation, Yixing picked his cellphone up, dialing Joonmyeon’s number. With his sudden rush of adrenaline wearing down, his heart raced as the phone took longer and longer until Joonmyeon eventually picked up.

“Hey,” Yixing breathed through his sudden anxiety.

“Hey to you too… are you ready to… come back to the group yet..?” Joonmyeon’s voice was hesitant and rough.

“I, I still need time, just wait on it. I’ll come back, I promise. I-I… I’m getting to it. I promise,” Yixing babbled incomprehensibly.

“I… I understand,” Joonmyeon cleared his throat, unable to mask the disappointment in his voice, “So… why’d you call me?”

Yixing cleared his throat, licking his lips in the process, “Right, my bad. I wanted to ask you if you were okay.”

“I’m as good as I’ll ever be, why?” Joonmyeon’s voice shook slightly as he audibly gulped.

“I’m sorry, can we meet up?” Yixing asked hesitantly.

“I can’t for the moment, we’re still promoting for our come back,” Joonmyeon rejected.

“Right, I wanted to speak to you about ou—” Yixing stopped himself before he could finish his sentence. He let out an “err” noise before an interlude in his sentence, “I’m sorry, I meant you guys’ comeback.”

“What about it?” Joonmyeon ignored Yixing’s stuttering, letting it off as a simple error.

“It was different, oddly melancholic for a normal comeback,” Yixing admitted.

“I know… I— we wanted to try something new,” Joonmyeon confessed, “I… I wrote the song.”

“It’s so beautiful… I can almost feel the emotions pouring from it,” Yixing said, “but they’re all negative emotions.”

“Gosh, I’m glad that you think it’s beautiful. I just wanted to try something out, I didn’t know that it would become a title track,” Joonmyeon said humbly. Joonmyeon’s small speech reminded Yixing that in 2015, he wanted his song, which he had been working on for months prior, could only secure a spot on their ‘Love Me Right’ album in a spot so obscure that barely anyone remembered it. Yet, when Joonmyeon had played around to make a similarly sadly beautiful song, it was a title track. Even if it were for a mini-album and his song was on an actual full album. Yixing didn't mind it, admitting that his own song was much better suited in Chinese rather than Korean.

A set of moans broke Yixing from his thoughts.

“Sorry, this tends to happen at this time of night,” Joonmyein said awkwardly.

Yixing thought little of it, hoping someone was just exercising at around three in the morning. Only when an overly husky yet muffled voice began moaning out “faster” did Yixing want to hang up.

“I’ll call you back later,” Yixing hung up as soon as he faintly heard them moaning out each other’s names.

~~

“What the hell, you look like absolute shit,” Baekhyun was laughing his ass off at his older group member.

“Well I would look less like shit if you didn’t start having intercourse at three in the morning,” Joonmyeon muttered angrily.

“We just had sex, no need to poke around at these big words,” Baekhyun stated bluntly.

“What else would you like me to say?" Joonmyeon asked in the same manner.

“Alright, how’s ‘bout we stop right there and move on with our lives. Y’know, let bygones be bygones?”

Joonmyeon shrugged before taking his phone out and fiddling with it. His eyelids were heavy as he continued to play with his cellphone.

He dozed off as soon as he boarded their van.

  
The morning had passed excruciatingly slow for Joonmyeon, but noon came eventually. Joonmyeon sat on a chair in the corner, having finished getting his makeup applied and having changed into his stage outfit.

With their performance in a few minutes, Joonmyeon could do nothing about the exhaustion crawling through his body. After fighting off the urge to yawn for the longest time ever, Joonmyeon finally got the news that they were going up on stage. It made him seemingly joyous, hopefully distracting him from falling unconscious.

He, however, was wrong because the moment the bright lights met his eyes, he was overwhelmed. He faintly remembered weeks prior, telling himself that he had to make all of his effort worth it; that he needed to prove that he wasn’t just the leader.

They finished their performance as good as they’d ever do, even if Joonmyeon was unhappy at his inflection in some of his parts, or if he’d gotten a tinge too sharp for his liking.

After a quick catnap, they were all called back on stage to declare who’d be the winner. Joonmyeon stood awkwardly in the front, hoping his— EXO’s song would win out of the other promoting artists.

The emcee paused before announcing the winner, the suspense practically killing Joonmyeon.

“Red Velvet!”

Joonmyeon felt his knees buckle as the feeling of nausea began to consume him. Nonetheless, he clapped for his juniors, forcing a kind smile on his face. He knew how childish and how rude he was acting, but he couldn't help it. He knew how much backlash he’d get if he were to pull it off as just being tired.

Eventually, when they were all cleared from the stage. As he inched toward the exit of the stage, the tiredness hit Joonmyeon stronger than before. The ravenous hunger ripping horrifyingly loud growls from his stomach wasn't making it much better for him. As he waited for the crowd around him to move toward either end of the stage, he felt lightheaded as he felt his body move from his standing position. Stumbling slightly, the idol remained in his crouched position, blinking through his dizziness. He keeled further, barely able to hold his body up.

“You okay?” A soft touch on his shoulder and a muffled voice forced Joonmyeon to snap up suddenly. Through his blurry vision, he saw Leo, the near silent lion of VIXX was standing over him, concern washing subtly over his usual poker face. Joonmyeon squinted at the older male, still extremely dizzy.

~~

Yixing woke up at noon, drowsily searching for his phone. He faintly remembered the day previous, remembering that he needed to call the slightly older. He grabbed his phone, pressing the older male’s contact and pressed call.

A familiar sense of anxiety settled in his stomach as the the ringing tone echoed in his ears.

“Hello?” A soft, almost angelic voice asked.

“Is this… Joonmyeon’s phone?” Yixing asked cautiously.

“Oh, Yixing?” The young man said startlingly quickly, “It’s Taekwoon.”

“Oh?” Yixing asked cautiously.

“Yeah, we’re at the hospital,” Taekwoon said casually.

“Wait, what?” Yixing rushed to attention.

“Oh, I'm sorry.” The VIXX member apologized softly, “Joonmyeon passed out during a show, and now I'm here with him,”

“Where are you?” Yixing mumbled hesitantly.

  
\--

  
Joonmyeon had awoken in an empty field. The hot sun burned on his skin as he placed his hand horizontally over his face, shielding his eyes from the bright light. He smiled at the peacefulness, something he hadn't experienced in a long time.

“Hyeong,” his former youngest Chinese member’s voice said.

Joonmyeon turned around to the source of the voice, finding three fading figures retreat.

A last figure appeared before him.

“Joonmyeon,” Yixing’s soft voice whispered out, almost blending with the wind, “I’m sorry. I love you.”

The slightly younger Chinese male smiled sadly. He leaned in to kiss Joonmyeon on the cheek, which felt no more than the wind. The four figures retreated, fading out of his vision. Joonmyeon felt his vision blur as a deluge of water filled the land before him.

He was drowning, but it didn't hurt, the water spread past his vision’s limit. Despite slightly stinging his skin, it didn't hurt him; he could breathe easily. He felt safe.

He swam around, soon finding schools of fish, whales, and all other types of aquatic creatures. The bright atmosphere turned dark rapidly, as the creatures swimming calmly beside him merged together into a dark blob.

The darkness surrounded him, almost burning his skin as his fears hit him. He was alone, stuck in the middle of nowhere. He was going to die and no one would remember any of his feats he’d done for his group.

He began panicking when the area around him fell completely dark. Joonmyeon attempted to cry out, his lungs feeling like lead as hatred calling for help. His throats constricted, like a snake was wrapping itself comfortably around his neck, squeezing tightly. He squeezed his eyes shut, wanting to awaken from his nightmare.

He was going to die and it was all his fault.

  
\--

  
“Hey,” Yixing breathed out to the VIXX member.

“He hasn't woken up yet. But I think he's going to in a bit,” Taekwoon said softly, hypothesizing his claim.

Yixing looked at the body of his former lover. He knew the older male had gone through the same inferiority complex he'd gone through. It was obvious by his deep bags and heavy breathing.

“It's fine though, he wasn't hurt as far as I’ve seen.” Taekwoon continued, “Just downtrodden and undeniably tired. He passed out as soon as I got there; almost thought I was the one to do it to him.”

A dull silence fell between the two, the atmosphere getting heavier and heavier, “I'm sorry, I’m not used to seeing you as a normal person; a fan, rather than an idol,” Yixing laughed awkwardly, “I feel kinda bad.”

The quiet male looked up at the Chinese male, an eyebrow quirked in question, “May I ask why?”

Yixing laughed once more with the same air as before, “I don't know. I just… I feel bad about it, like I don't deserve to be near idols anymore.”

Taekwoon sighed pointedly. He stood up, his towering figure greatly intimidating the Chinese male, “Just because you quit doesn't mean you can't talk to other idols either. I mean, you called Joonmyeon didn't you?”

“I did, but… we used to be group mates,”

Taekwoon sighed once more, “You should have more of a reason to talk to someone that's not in your group that someone that is.” Yixing’s hum was enough of an indication for Taekwoon to continue, “Case-in point, you guys’s former member, Luhan and Got7’s Jackson. They were really close on some kind of broadcast?”

Yixing winced at his former member’s name, but nodded otherwise. The two looked over at the sleeping figure on the bed.

“How’s about we go to the cafe?” Yixing asked cautiously.

“I could go for some coffee, but I'll have to be on the road later, y’know, we have to continue promoting our album.”

“Old habits never change?” Yixing hummed in question afterward.

Taekwoon didn't respond, but they continued walking.

~~

Joonmyeon shot up, a thin layer of perspiration covering his pale skin. His breath was shallow as he ran a hand through his already messy hair. He swallowed thickly, gasping for breath. He held his head, waiting for the hyperventilation to stop.

The doorknob twisted slowly as two young men followed an older male. The older male was the doctor, Joonmyeon presumed. Joonmyeon bit his lower lip as the three figures made their way inside.

“You're up,” Yixing muttered, looking to his former lover. Joonmyeon returned his stare, spaced out.

Joonmyeon couldn't focus on what the mature older man was saying. He'd forgotten how it felt to see Yixing in person, butterflies deep in his stomach. The Chinese male smiled, noticing Joonmyeon’s staring.

“He’s clearly overworked himself to dehydration, malnutrition, and exhaustion. Make sure to look over him and in the case that this ever happens again, rest his head on your knees until he gets up.

The two young men who were standing bowed kindly to the older male as he made his way out.

The room fell to a deafening silence as the three looked to each other, awkwardly staring at each other. Taekwoon piped up first, “I… I think I gotta go now, thank you. Bye.” The tall male bowed awkwardly as he carefully walked out the door.

The two remaining young men looked at each other awkwardly, the tension thick in the clean air.

Yixing looked around awkwardly, “Look, I really need to talk to you,” Yixing began pacing around, clearly nervous, “I don't want you to do what I did… to do what I regret…”

Yixing sighed, unable to search for the words to explain himself and began once more, “I don't… want you to become like me…”

Slowly, Yixing lifted his head to look to Joonmyeon, whose face was contorted in confusion. Yixing took in a shuddering breath and took his jacket off, followed by a pullover to reveal scars scattered on his arms, some seeming to have appeared only recently.

“I… I can't let you go through such toxic thoughts. I don't want you to. I already hurt myself so much, I can't let you experience the same.”

Joonmyeon was silent for too long, tears glistening his dark eyes, “I love you…” Yixing concluded weakly, pulling his sweater back on. Then, Joonmyeon noticed the tiredness etched onto Yixing’s gentle face. His eyes were dull and almost lifeless, his cheeks were hollowed out, and his lips, which used to have a magnificent pink glow, now was a dull gray-ish color. Joonmyeon broke as tears began pouring from his soft doe-like eyes, a soft pink glow forming under the clear tracks.

Yixing started tearing up, smiling sadly at the slightly older male. He was heartbroken to see his former boyfriend cry, but continued smiling. He felt undeniably tired as he felt himself swaying, “Joonmyeon…” he muttered before losing consciousness.

“Yixing?” Joonmyeon asked with worry. He called for the doctor.

The doctor rushed back into the room, then called for a cot and some nurses.

  
Joonmyeon went into his former member’s room with sadness. He'd been checked out since he'd awoken and felt ready enough to leave his room.

Yixing was seemingly under a lot of stress and seemed almost too thin for Joonmyeon’s taste. He thought back to what the Chinese male had told him previously, not to become like him. Not to make the same mistakes he’d made.

It struck Joonmyeon like a truck.

He was becoming exactly what Yixing was warning him about. He'd become thin and uncareful. He was constantly tired yet strived to become even better. He was telling himself he wasn't good enough. He hated himself for everything. He hated himself.

“Fuck,” Joonmyeon muttered as he'd begun pacing around in the room. He wanted to express gratitude for Yixing trying to help him, but he didn't know how, “shit,” he continued muttering curses as he'd begun to pace even faster. His legs burned as his lungs told him to stop, but his mind was clouded with thoughts.

“Joonmyeon, don't burn tracks into the floor,” a soft voice broke Joonmyeon from his reverie. Joonmyeon teared up almost instantly, jumping onto Yixing, “Gosh, Joonmyeon. You're pretty excited to see me,” Yixing said with humor, a smile not quite reaching his eyes.

“I need you so badly. I want you,” Joonmyeon said lustfully.

“I love you too, but we're both in the hospital. Both of us were recently hospitalized as well,” Yixing smiled softly.

“I know that, and it wasn't what I meant, but… I want to thank you. For opening up the blinds that were so tightly shut.”

“I was just playing anyway. And I did not understand the last part,” Yixing replied in a similar manner.

“Right, figurative language doesn't translate well between other languages.”

The two looked at each other, as if contemplating what to say.

“I need you back… please come back to the band. I miss you, the members miss you, everyone misses you,” Joonmyeon said sadly.

Yixing sighed, looking away, “I really want to, but I can't bring myself to face anyone. Just please… give me some more time, I'll figure it out.”

“I… I don't want to wait any longer. EXO is about being unified as a one, I can't keep losing people.”

“I know, I know… I just really need a little more time. Please trust me on this.”

“I want to… but I don't want to lose you for real this time,” Joonmyeon teared up, voice raw with emotion.

“You won't, I'll always come back eventually. I need you guys as much as you guys need me. We're family,” Yixing placed his firm arms around Joonmyeon.

“I love you…” Joonmyeon muttered, melting into the taller male’s hold. They didn't want to let go, not knowing when the next time they'd see each other would be.

  
“Hello?”

“Hey, guess who’s coming back?”

“Holy— Yixing? You're coming back? Finally?” Joonmyeon’s voice was ecstatic, happiness clear from the other end.

“Yeah, I want to patch things up between us, to get back together?” Yixing asked awkwardly.

“We did it when we were younger, it's fine. I'm fine. As long as the outcome is desirable, the long and bumpy road seems shorter than ever.”

“Joonmyeon, let's meet up again?”

“Of course, I'd love to.”

“Me too,” Yixing concluded, feeling a weight lift from his chest.

  
“Hey,” Yixing said into the phone, “Guess who’s back?”

Yixing fumbled with the handle of his suitcase, giddy like a kid on a sugar rush. He waited in front of EXO’s dorm as he waited patiently for the door to be opened.

He was soon greeted by eight other boys around his age with a manager trailing behind them. Tears sprung to his eyes, a happy sob bubbled from his throat with a laugh soon following. A volley of “where were you”s and “what were you doing”s bombarded Yixing as they swarmed him.

“Just needed to sort out some… personal things,” Yixing explained with tears still running down his face.

They shrugged off his reply and he was immediately confronted by his manager, “We'll need some time until you get back into the group fully so until then, just chill here or at your apartment for the time being.”

Yixing waited until everyone had begun leaving, wanting to talk to Joonmyeon one-on-one.

“Welcome back,” Joonmyeon smiles softly, embracing Yixing in a short yet firm hug, a chaste kiss on his lips, “I missed you,” Joonmyeon says in his boyfriend’s grip. They smiled in the kiss,

“I love you.”

"I love you too."

"I'm glad you're back."

"Me too."

 


End file.
